Auron's Birthday Party
by Quistis Chick
Summary: A humorous fic about Auron's birthday. I'm not going for intelligetn humor here, just anything to make you laugh. Rated PG for language.
1. Default Chapter

Auron's Birthday Party  
  
By Quistis Chick  
  
Chapter One - Sweet, Sweet Ronso Love  
  
He didn't want to come out of his room at the Inn. He knew what was outside the door. THEY were waiting. Waiting for him to open the door. Oh ho! Surprise! Happy Birthday! It was a thought that he dreaded to think about. He couldn't stay in that room forever. He knew that. But oh, to savor the thought of not having to hear that damn song. He thought back to Wakka's birthday party. . .   
  
The birthday boy! The birthday boy! Wakka is the birthday boy!  
  
As much as he wanted to protect Yuna, on that day he had almost killed her. That song, Her HORRID voice. It was all so painful to remember.  
  
And yet he had to leave the room. He could hear them outside. The giggles. The snide remarks about his age. Oh, to be able to break out the window and just -  
  
"Hmm," he thought, gazing at the single window in the room. Maybe he could just . . .  
  
No, he thought sadly. He was sure they would suspect that. Rikku was probably waiting out there, like the twerpy freak she was. He sighed.  
  
"Alright," he said bitterly, taking a drink of the sake he carried on his belt for good measure. Damn, if only there was enough to get drunk off!  
  
He turned the door handle, dreading the next twenty-four hours.  
  
***  
  
"Here he comes!" Tidus hissed, bouncing with anticipation. Oh, he was gonna scare him good he was! His hiding place behind the tall fern was SO good!  
  
"What an idiot," Lulu muttered, crossing her arms. Tidus was, in fact, the ONLY one hiding. The others sat at the Inn's small "Breakfast Nook". (She had refused to enter it if anyone referred to it as such).  
  
"Uh onie-and a twoie- and a- SURPRISE!!!!!!" Tidus shouted, leaping out from behind the fern as Auron entered the room. He waved his arms around in circles as the older man brushed past him rudely.  
  
"Oh ho! I gotcha! I know it! Ha ha!" Tidus said as he bounced after Auron.  
  
"Well, don't we look happy?" Lulu muttered as Auron slammed himself into the chair next to her. He pushed his sun glasses up on his nose.  
  
"What's there to be happy about?" he muttered as she slid a now luke-warm cup of coffee in front of him.  
  
"Hmm, good point," she said, looking over at Tidus, who was busy handing out party hats. They were white with little Moogle ears perking out the side. And, indeed, a pom pom was floating inconspicuously at the top. Tidus' was a little too tight, making his face bulge out a bit.  
  
"Hey guys!" Tidus announced, calling everyone to attention. Wakka, Rikku, Yuna, and himself wore their hats proudly. Kimahri, Lulu, and Auron's hats lay defeated in front of them.  
  
"Who knows what today is? He asked slyly, nudging Auron's arm. Auron ripped his arm away with lightning speed.  
  
"Oh, I know!" Rikku said, waving a hand in the air. "It's somebody's birthday!"   
  
"But who's?" Tidus asked, shrugging and looking around.  
  
"Not mine!" Yuna chirped.  
  
"Not mine!" Rikku giggled.  
  
"Not mine, ya!" Wakka agreed.  
  
"Then whose?!" Tidus asked. Auron felt the urge to kill reach a critical high.  
  
"I think it must be . . . YOURS!" Yuna said, pointing at Auron. Not so much as a blink greeted her, as his gaze was could as ice.  
  
Yuna breathed in a deep breath, then blew a kazoo.  
  
The birthday boy! The birthday boy! Sir Auron is the birthday boy!  
  
Auron cringed and downed the room temperature coffee. He saw Lulu smirk out of the corner of his eye.  
  
"Oh, laugh it up," he muttered. "Just wait til your birthday."  
  
Lulu cringed at the thought. Suddenly, Tidus ran up to the table.  
  
"Who wants some presents?!" he screeched, for no apparent reason. Auron stared at his with venom in his eyes.  
  
"I think you do, buddy!" he said, pointing to a pile of gifts in the corner. Auron sighed. Better to get it over with. He knew saying he didn't want them would only make Yuna sing more.  
  
"Let's see, who's first?" Tidus said, fishing out a gift. "It's from . . . Wakka!" he said, shoving the brightly colored present in Auron's face. Auron grabbed it angrily and slammed it down on the table.  
  
"Oh, fuck me, a card," Auron said, ripping the envelope-clad card off the package.  
  
The outside of the card had a Chocobo with GIANT google eyes. Auron flipped it open to reveal the message: "YOU'RE 4 TODAY!" only, Wakka had written, in crayon, a "2" after the four. It was signed "Happy B-day, ya? - Wakka".  
  
"You think it's funny, ya?" Wakka said, beaming. Auron killed him with his mind. Or, at least he REALLY tried too.  
  
"Open the gift, man!" Wakka said excitedly. Auron flung the card to the side, sighing as he tore at the pink wrapping paper. Inside was a Blitzball, with a signature. It read: "Keep on truckin'! But NOT WITH A MACHINA TRUCK! Like, a wooden truck, ya? Or something. Hugs and Kisses! Wakka."  
  
Auron gazed at the ball with hate in his eyes. Er, or "eye". Wakka laughed heartily.  
  
"Told you he'd like, Lu!" he said. Lulu flicked him off.  
  
"Thank you Wakka. This will always remind me of how much you mean to me," Auron said, slashing the ball with his sword. The air fizzled out, but Wakka laughed.   
  
"Ha ha! You're welcome!"  
  
"NEXT!" Tidus giggled, pulling out a bag with tissue paper and a GIANT red bow on the side. A little card hung off the bag's handles.  
  
"It's from . . . Rikku!" Tidus said happily, handing the bag to Auron. He grabbed it angrily and ripped the tissue paper. Inside the bag was a pair of glasses with springs coming out of the lenses. On the end of the lenses were two giant, plastic eyeballs.  
  
"What . . . " Auron began, looking at Rikku for an explanation. She shrugged.  
  
"Well, you know! 'Cause you like to wear sunglasses, and you only have one eye! So here's two! Tee hee!" she said, like that was all there was to it.  
  
Auron stared at her, mouth gaping. "Oh. . . My. . . GOD!" he breathed It was the single most humiliating thing he had EVER heard. One eye?! And she was rubbing it in!  
  
"God Rikku!" Lulu snorted. Wakka got VERY angry.  
  
"It's 'Oh my Yevon!' and 'Yevon, Rikku!' Not God! YEVON!" he snarled, fists clenched. Everyone kinda fell silent.  
  
"I'm . . . sorry, I thought you'd get a kick out of them," Rikku said weakly. Auron set them down on the table and crossed his arms roughly across his chest.  
  
"Uh . . . NEXT!" Tidus said uneasily, reaching into the pile. A HUGE square shaped box with a flamboyant green bow was set in front of him. Auron sighed and reached for the card.  
  
"Because these are always SO thoughtful," he muttered, casting a sideways glance at Wakka, who was still fuming. He tore at the envelope.  
  
The front of the card had a lovely scene with two deer drinking serenely out of a pond. The front said, "To my love". Raising an eyebrow, Auron opened the card. The inside had a lengthy poem in it. It read : "You caressing touch fills my heart with glee, your silky voice sends vibes of pleasure through me. Oh my dearest, my one true love, I swear you were sent from up above. And although we may fight and not always agree, I'm glad the sweet, sweet love making is between you and me." It was signed, "Kimahri Ronso of the Ronso Tribe. Ronso Ronso Ronso Ronso." Auron felt a chill go up his spine as he looked at Kimahri.  
  
"Explain. NOW," he demanded, his voice shaking slightly.  
  
"Store out of Birthday cards. Kimahri thought poem nice. Kimahri buy that card," the Ronso explained.  
  
"Yes . . . Well . . . Ahem . . " Auron said, tugging at the bow on the gift. Underneath the wrapping paper was the head of an Ochu.  
  
"DEAR GOD! Er, Yevon. WHY!?" Auron screamed, dropping the giant head. On the table. Lulu fell out of her seat as the head rolled about.  
  
"Is Ronso custom to give head of beast to those Ronso think are good warriors," Kimahri said. Yuna gasped.  
  
"Sir Auron! It is a privilege to receive the head of an Ochu! You are officially one of the tribe! Not many humans receive such an honor!" she gasped, doing the Yevon Prayer and bowing the head. Auron cringed, from the smell, and the thought of being one of the tribe. Kimahri beamed with pride.  
  
"Is also custom to kill gift receiver if he no accept Ochu head," Kimahri threatened. Auron sighed.  
  
"Very well," he muttered.  
  
Kimahri beamed even more, the rotting Ochu flesh filling the air with a putrid smell. 


	2. Aurons' Birthday Party 2

Chapter Two: Violation  
  
"Alright!" Tidus beamed, changing the thought of rotting Ochu flesh to that of more presents. Auron could hardly wait.  
  
"Let's get this over with," Auron muttered, looking at the shrinking pile with growing hate. Tidus skipped back to the pile.  
  
"And the next present is from . . . Lulu!" Tidus announced. Lulu cringed as Tidus set it on the table.  
  
"Here's your birthday gift. I'm sorry," she said, quite seriously. Auron raised an eyebrow and took the sugar-pink package from Lulu. It was quite long. He opened it. Inside was a sword. It was long, and had a strange bucket-like thing on top. Auron turned to Lulu.  
  
"What is this . . . fascinating device?" he question angrily. Lulu sighed.  
  
"Er, well, it's a cooler. You know," she said, glaring at Tidus with that evil, evil look of hers. "Because sometimes when you're fighting monsters, you just want a brew ski," she sneered. Tidus was clapping and giggling. Auron suddenly got the idea that the gift just might not have been Lulu's idea.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said under her breath. "I wanted to get you a real sword, but when Baby Huey over there said he'd go pick it up from the store, this is what came home with him."  
  
Auron nodded, sticking the sword in the Ochu's head. He turned to Tidus.  
  
"Next," he growled. Tidus gave him a thumbs up and scuttled back to the pile. He picked up a gothic, black package with a stringy red ribbon on it.  
  
"It's from Yuna!" he said. Auron looked at the package.  
  
"It's awfully . . . Satanic for your tastes, Lady Yuna," he said, staring at the pile of sinful wrapping in front of him. The bubbly summoner giggled.  
  
"I wrapped Lulu's, and she wrapped mine! It was SO much fun!" Yuna bopped up and down in her seat, overjoyed at the thought of her gift being next. Auron shrugged and pulled at the blood red ribbon. Ripping at the paper, he found a small blue sphere underneath.  
  
"A sphere?" Auron asked, actually interested in this particular gift. Maybe it held a recording from his last journey to defeat Sin. Yuna reached over and hit the play button.  
  
"Enjoy!" she giggled, sliding back to her seat. The sphere flickered, then a static noise was heard.  
  
As the static faded, an image was slowly coming into view in the sphere. At first Auron couldn't make it out, then he realized it was Yuna.  
  
"Hello Sir Auron! Happy birthday! It's me, Yuna!" the sphere spat out in a sing-song voice.  
  
"Yeah, no shit," Auron muttered.  
  
"Well, I couldn't decide what to give you for your birthday, but I figured that since we might not see each other after this fun trip-"  
  
"Fun trip? Good god . . ." Auron said angrily. Had she no clue what was to come?  
  
"YEVON!!!!!!!" Wakka corrected him in a voice that was inappropriately loud. Auron rolled his . . . eye . . . and looked back at the sphere.  
  
"So, as a lasting momento of our time together, I've made this home movie of everyone. So you can REMEMBER ALWAYS! Enjoy!"  
  
The sphere faded to black, then back to a picture. This time, cheesy music was playing in the background, accompanied by a very, very, very close up shot of Wakka's nostril. He was apparently snoring.  
  
"Here's Wakka! Remember him?" Yuna's voice chirped through over the music. Auron turned to her.  
  
"How could I forget him when I see him EVERY day?" he spat. Yuna shrugged.  
  
"You'll need a reminder when you're old and senile!" she said, almost too happily. Auron crossed his arms in front of his chest, and stared at the sphere with a hateful glare.  
  
The camera had moved from Wakka's nostril to his face. Yuna's voice once again rang out.  
  
"Uh-Wakka-Wakka-Wee!" she sang, poking his nose. The man gargled back his spit and rolled over. "Oh, Sir Auron! I bet you didn't know that Wakka talks about you all the time to his Blitzball buddies! He says you two are the best of friends, and you sleep in the same bed!"  
  
"YOU WHAT," Auron screeched, whipping his head to stare down Wakka. The man just shrugged.  
  
"Ay man, what I do to you in your sleep is no business of yours, yeah?" The chill that went down Auron's back could have given the entire party hypothermia.  
  
"Did you do this last night?" Lulu asked, staring at the sphere. Yuna nodded.  
  
"You all looked so CUTE in your sleep, I couldn't help myself!"  
  
"So, you basically invaded our privacy, taped us, and violated us while we slept?"  
  
"Pretty much!"  
  
The sphere showed Yuna stumble away from Wakka and onto her next victim, Rikku.  
  
"It's ME!" Rikku chirped. Auron cringed.  
  
"As you can see, Rikku still sucks her thumb," Yuna said, pointing the camera at Rikku's mouth. Indeed, her thumb was securely planted between her lips.  
  
"Yunie! You said you wouldn't tell!" Rikku cried out. Yuna shrugged.  
  
"And over here sleeping like a widdle baby, is my good palski Lulu!" Yuna's voice sang out from the sphere. The close-up of Lulu's "assests" was sprawled out for all to see. "Hee hee! Look at her, all booby-ly doobily!"  
  
"You pervert," Lulu snarled, looking at Yuna. She just smiled at her.  
  
"Serves you right for letting them hang all out and stuff!" Yuna said sweetly. Lulu grinded her teeth and looked back at the sphere.  
  
What they saw next made everyone scream out in terror. 


	3. Auron's Birthday Party 3

Chapter Three - Show Me Whatcha Workin' With  
  
The image filling the sphere was a skin colored blob. Two blobs to be exact. It was quite clear what it was. And Auron was more than happy to point it out.  
  
"Why is there a giant ASS on the screen?" he asked, appalled at the vulgar display. Yuna giggled.  
  
"It's Tidy-Widey's butt!" she announced. Tidus giggled and pointed at the screen, while Rikku leaned in closer, eyes bulging.  
  
"Oh oh!!" the onscreen Yuna said playfully. "It's your best buddy Tidus! And look, he's sleeping right next to you, all nakey wakey!"  
  
Auron whipped his head around to face Tidus. "WHY are you in my bed and WHY are you naked?!" he growled. Tidus shrugged.  
  
"I dunno! I swear I fell asleep in my own bed with my Blitzball under roo's on!" Auron sighed and stared at the sphere, hoping for an explanation. On the screen, Yuna was bopping the camera around, making Tidus' pasty white ass appear to jumble about.  
  
"Shake your . . . tushie! Watch yourself! Shake your tushie! Show me whatcha working with!" she sang. Everyone except Yuna groaned.  
  
"Ha ha! That was fun!" the onscreen Yuna chirped, poking Tidus' left . . . "cheek" with her finger. "Butt butt!" she sang. The camera panned over to show Tidus' arm around Auron.  
  
"Good God . . . " Auron muttered.  
  
"YEVON!!!"  
  
"Don't you two look so cute together?!" Yuna sang from the sphere. "I thought so, so I took Tidy Widy and set him up all cutesy in your bed, Sir Auron! It's like your best friends all the time!!"  
  
"But why is he NAKED?!" Auron demanded. Yuna shrugged.  
  
"I dunno! He wasn't when I moved him!"  
  
Rikku but her lip, pushing the Blitzball under roos further into her pocket.  
  
"Moving on on on!" Yuna said from within the sphere. The camera showed Yuna stumble over the two sleeping men and focus in on Kimahri, who wasn't actually asleep. In fact, he was staring into the camera with intense yellow eyes.  
  
"Lady Yuna should be asleep. Lady Yuna need rest for journey," the giant cat-man said. Behind Kimahri on the screen, Rikku was seen moving as silently as a cat towards one of the dressers in the room. She began taking out clothes, smelling them, and shoving them under her shirt. Kimahri kept rambling on about the good virtues of sleep as she did.  
  
"What are you doing back there?" Lulu asked, straining to see the sphere from her seat. Rikku stiffened.  
  
"NOTHING! I was not taking Tidus' clothes in a vain attempt to hold the one person I love in my arms forever!" she spat. Lulu blinked.  
  
"Alright then," she muttered, turning back to sphere.  
  
"Okay! I'll go to sleep Kimahri. I was just making a video for Sir Auron's birthday," she said, turning the camera away from Kimahri and focusing on herself.  
  
"So there you go, Sir Auron. A video of all your friends. Don't forget us! We won't forget you, because you're so old and you'll probably die soon and we'll always have our memories!" Yuna said cheerfully as she switched the sphere off.  
  
"My Yuna, that was truly touching," Auron said flatly. He was about to shove the sphere back into its box when the screen flickered.  
  
"Oh good, there's more," he grumbled. Yuna cocked her head to the side.  
  
"Gee, I don't remember taping anything else," she said curiously. The sphere showed a dark blue blotch that eventually became Kimahri.  
  
"What are you wearing?" Lulu asked in a shaky voice. The Ronso had on what appeared to be a floor length gown with fur trim. Only, it was so tight it was ripping at the seams and had sprouts of dark blue fur coming out of it.  
  
"That's one of my dresses!" Lulu said angrily. Kimahri was beaming next to her.  
  
The sphere showed Kimahri set a portable stereo on the ground, and press the play button. A guitar sounded out, starting out softly and growing loud as it progressed. All of a sudden, lyrics shot out, and in all his broken English glory, Kimahri began to sing.  
  
"Kimahri loves himself, he want Sir Auron to love him," he began. The Ronso was sashaying his hips, the long black skirt swaying with him. Auron's face grew very pale.  
  
"Kimahri lose himself, he want Sir Auron to find him."  
  
"Oh no. Oh no no no. I know what song this is," Auron said in a daze.  
  
"Kimahri don't' want anyone else. When Kimahri thinks about Sir Auron, he touch himself."  
  
Auron screeched uncharacteristically like a woman, and smashed the sphere with his fist. It flickered once, then shut down.  
  
"NEVER. COME. NEAR. ME. AGAIN," Auron said through clenched teeth, staring at Kimahri.  
  
Kimahri looked dejected and sad as he sauntered from the room. All of a sudden, the ground began shaking violently. The pictures on the wall shook with the force, and everyone in the room, except for Tidus, started to scream.  
  
"IT'S TIME! IT'S TIME!" Tidus screeched, running for the door.  
  
"It's time for WHAT?!" Auron yelled after him.  
  
"Time for MY present to you!" he called back. Tidus flung open the door, showing everyone inside what was causing the quasi-earthquake.  
  
What they saw outside made them scream louder than seeing Tidus' ass. 


End file.
